Addiction can come in many forms, affect everyone differently, and effect those we may least suspect. This blog isn't about defining the word addiction, this is about saying: "Hi, my name is scott and i am an alcoholic and addict" Bet some of you never would have thought huh? Well i am about to share part of my life. a very deep dark part of my life. I was never a daily drinker or daily user. I had my binges, and I eventually began to get these weird feelings. The feeling that yes i have a problem. it may not be a daily problem but it is a problem nonetheless.
my dad was a huge alcoholic and I swore to never be like him. well in a way I am as I am an alcoholic but I am also totally different. he wanted me to never do drugs. he said he doesn’t care if I end up drinking but to never do drugs, how bad they were, what he saw them do to people(obviously he did care but in his eyes, as bad an alcoholic as he was, he didn’t see just how bad alcohol is. that's how strong his demon was). for 17 years I witnessed him detox and sober up off and on, but finally all the failed attempts came to an end. in 1992 my dad passed away of a massive heart attack 2 months before I graduated high school. the extent of his alcoholism had damaged his brain so badly that the doctor said that in addition to the heart attack his alcoholism is why he died. the lack of oxygen from being unconscious for so long from the heart attack and the death to the brain cells after so many years of drinking only left a brain stem left.
all thru school I was never a drinker or partier for fear of becoming like him. I remember the first time I got drunk was in the college years, the demon finally bit me. I was so scared the first time drinking and getting drunk, that I actually made a pact that I would never drink again. that lasted a year. the demon was riding my coattails and climbed back on and said "wellllllll you know what? what if we work together... so the drinking continued but I monitored it. we seemed to be a great team at the time. partying on occasion but never letting it affect us so that we had to miss work because of it, or anything like that. things were great. but where was the demon back in 2004 when I could have died on the side of the road? he had been helping me have fun, but when it really mattered where was it?
as some of you reading may know I had a really bad DUI accident, fortunately no one was involved other than myself. I don’t know what I would have done had anyone else been involved and they were injured due to my actions. I was asked a couple times, "after that why do you still drink?" we came up with a clever answer. "I like the taste. I don't drink for the sake of getting drunk, if I could have all of what I enjoy with just the taste It would be perfect" we only became smarter after that. we figured ok we wont drink and drive anymore but still enjoy when we can. we don’t drink everyday therefore we don’t have a problem. we don't miss work because of it, we don't have a problem. looking back now, this was when the demon began to tighten its stranglehold on me more. it really began to make excuses and started justifying things. the occasional binging led to other things.
over the years, thru partying and drinking it opened up a new world. drugs came into the picture. my first times around marijuana I always had my dad in the back of my head saying don’t do drugs, and how much worse they are for you than alcohol, but the demon again stabbed its claws in and strangled harder. "go ahead it smells great" I was told, thinking to myself hmmm its not as bad as cigarette smoke, its actually kinda good in a way. I eventually caved and tried it. nothing the first time so I was like eh, whatever. then I tried it years later, and I got hooked. we loved it! enjoying the new people that were around, things were great, things that were already fun seemed to be so much more so. I met a girl and quit it for 3 1/2 years cuz she didn’t like it. eventually we drifted a part, she said she wasn't sure why but she felt like we were just friends. sure it hurt, but I didn't start drinking more because of it, we would have a very rare occasional drink with each other, I'd still go have my fun while we were together. I felt I didn't have to worry about disrespecting her with smoking, so my demon and I got back into it. I eventually went thru my period of crushing and snorting pills, getting hooked on cocaine, ate mushrooms once, and I even smoked crack once too. marijuana was the toughest drug to quit. the others were easy to quit. but alcohol was always my demon. when I smoked crack I was like what the fuck am I doing? but I was under the influence, not thinking clearly and was like what the hell. why not? fuckit. looking back now, considering myself VERY lucky I didn’t die that night, or even any night I was under the influence of drugs or alcohol. I know I had angels watching out for me those nights.
saint patrick's day this year. man I had so much fun. drinking, hanging out, shots, beers, no drugs those were long done. hell some of my twitter friends probably even saw the pic of me drinking my pitcher of beer from the pitcher. simply put, the bartender forgot my glass. I was already feeling pretty well, so I figured aww hell, ill just drink it out of the pitcher. and sure enough I was at the bar drinking my beer out of the pitcher until it was gone. who does that? someone who is out of control. someone who's demon has such a stranglehold on them that they have no idea how much of a problem they really have.
this isn't an entirely bad story tho. here comes the bright light. as I said I had been realizing for awhiIe, that I needed to "slow down". never thought I had the strength to do this. I had someone come into my life recently who has taught me things. someone who has seen something in me, opened my eyes to certain things. it all made sense to me how certain things have happened. I'm seeing the meaning and importance of certain experiences because of this. this person said something to me, no, it wasn’t "you have a problem, you need help", but what was said planted a seed. that was 21 days ago tonight (I write this on April 8, 2010) when I had my last drink.
I have joined alcoholics anonymous. I've met some new people I can talk to if need be. I've heard stories shared, and there are bits and pieces I can relate to. my first meeting I was so scared. I was a mess, I was in tears. before the meeting I took the bus got there 45 minutes early and sat at the bus stop waiting. I sat there in tears I think it was the demon mostly, realizing holy shit this is the end? doing what it could to try to sway me into something that I'm sure people before me had done. catch the next bus and leave. but no, I'm stronger now. even being the mess that I was, I still had focus to know what I had to do. I am here, I have come so close. don't fail, don't miss the meeting. I sat in the meeting in tears most of the time. when asked if there was anyone new to the meeting, I sheepishly raised my hand. red faced and teary eyed, I said "my name is scott and I am an alcoholic" despite the tears and the initial fear, I knew from that point I was going to be ok, I felt the stranglehold release. the next meeting I got to share for 5 minutes. I was able to speak when the floor opened up, and people actually gave me props for what I shared. In today's meeting the main topic seemed to revolve around depression. I'm not going to go into too much detail of everything said in the meeting but this really opened my eyes to see just how bad It can affect some people. about 4 or 5 people said how bad they had gotten, that they had thoughts of suicide. One day that could have been me had I kept drinking, you never know. scary to see just how bad alcoholism and addiction can affect people.
looking back now I realize I had relapses. I know why these relapses happened. I was trying to quit for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t doing it for me. the demon was all too powerful. you can see how strong it was over me. I'm focused. I know what I want. I do my little things to help keep me focused my cloudy, foggy eyes that were beginning to open, were opened widely thanks to this person. I can say this though, I am enjoying life a lot more now. I see things more clearly, sounds are crisper, ALL of my senses feel more in tune. I go to a weekly meeting, and sometimes more if I feel I am called to. I realize and understand that I will never be completely free of this demon. it will always be riding my coattail. waiting as it always has for the moment to start to sink its claws into me. the temptation, no matter what I do will always be there. that’s why its always one day at a time, we never know what tomorrow will bring. stay focused on today. and to the person I mentioned previously thank you, thank you Deme for planting that seed and saving my life.
